Halloween Strike
In a move that is bound to break the hearts of kids everywhere, Halloween 2004 is off. This year's participants are striking and are refusing to come out as per normal Halloween traditions.
A striking vampire yesterday
'We're not coming out,' said A Zombie, PR for the Halloween Union G.H.O.U.L. 'The conditions, this year are awful . It's just not safe. Have you seen the world lately? Bombings, kidnappings, reality TV shows, crap pop music, you don't need us stalking the earth this year. It's scary enough without us.'
Officials the world over are trying to bring in substitute Halloweeners, people who generally revolt most of society. On All Hallows eve however they can serve a useful role, scaring children and adults the world over. So far a few willing suitable participants have been found. These include John Kerry, David Blunkett and Crystal Palace manager Ian Dowie.
G.H.O.U.L refused to comment on the replacement Halloweeners.
Exclusive: Man not that bothered by Bush
The Yeti. The Lock Ness Monster. The man in the moon.
Sightings and contact with these myths and phenomena are rare but not as rare This Might be Satire's recent encounter with the following 21st century phenomena. Rumours were abound of its existence but they were never taken seriously. Until now.
In a This might be Satire exclusive we can now reveal to you our meeting with an ordinary man with an extraordinary quality. Mr H Herbert.
A man with no opinion on George W Bush.
Outlandish for sure but yes, it is true.
Mr H Herbert, a British citizen who resides in Richmond, London, become known to us after a phone poll regarding the upcoming US election. When asked what his feelings were on current US President Bush his answer stunned us.
'Don't know.'
Bush: Being informed of the indifference yesterday
Of course, after an answer like that we had to talk to this apparent freak of nature.
'I'm not that bothered by him. Either way,' Mr Herbert said when probed. 'I neither like him or dislike the man.'
When asked if he was currently on medication, dropped on his head as a baby or just a bit slow, Mr Herbert just laughed.
'No!' he said. 'I'm just not that interested that's all.'
Thankfully, so far, this has remained a one off. But if any Satire readers know of any other person who has this bizarre condition please get in touch with us immediately at the usual Satire address.
We are also interested in sightings of people with no opinion on Tony Blair.
Though we know we're pushing our luck on this one.
GOD: Leave me out of it!
God in rare public appearance
In a rare public announcement that is sure to shock his supporters God, aka Allah, Yaweh, Ozzy Osborne, stated that he has no firm favourite in the upcoming US election.
'I'm really quite impartial to the whole thing,' the omnipotent one said from his telephone at an undisclosed location today.
This will come as a total shock to his many fans especially in the USA where many, including current US President George W Bush, claim that his greatness is a republican.
'I haven't made my mind up,' God continued when pushed. 'And I really wish Bush would stop pushing me as some sort of endorsement for him and his party. I mean, have you seen some of their members? Oh my me!'
Did that mean that God is moving towards the democratic vote?
'Not at all,' the big bearded one replied. 'To be honest with you I like neither one of them. Choosing between them is like choosing between Coke and Pepsi.'
Perhaps proof that God is in fact a swing voter?
Unfortunately Satire news could not confirm this as just before this was put to God he slammed the phone down when asked about the meaning of life.
US Irony deficiency threat
America is facing a new and bigger threat that's even more powerful and dangerous than obesity.
A severe lack of Irony.
This streak, that gives those that have it a healthy, rational and humorous view of the world around them, has been falling ever since the current Bush presidency has taken office, critics today claimed.
A British scientist who recently finished a study in the US today said,
'If it isn't dealt with quickly the whole of America will be Irony deficient.'
The British scientist pointed to recent events to back up his claims.
'You only have to look at the recent election campaign adverts as an example of the growing threat. The US president, in this respect, shows an alarmingly low level of Irony here. Throughout the Iraq conflict he has proclaimed admiration and support for those in the armed forces. Yet when it came to tackling his election opponent John Kerry, he attacked his Vietnam war record. A perfect example of Irony deficiency.'
The Scientist from MadeupName University, Somerset, England, finished with a stark warning for those yet to face up to the Irony depletion threat,
'Studies have shown that when Irony falls other vital qualities for a happy, humorous and rational view of the world soon follow. These include sarcasm, parody and satire. But not puns because they're crap.'
Yeehaw!
Ministers have to wear a cowboy hat and effect a slow American drawl to have any chance of being noticed in Downing Street, it was claimed today. Claims of American influence over Number 10 have have been made before but this is the frist time it has become so pervasive.
'It's ridiculous,' said one Labour Minister yesterday. 'Unless you put on a cowboy hat, cry yeehaw! and call Tony 'buddy' he doesn't listen to you. It's gotten so bad now that at the start of every cabinet meeting he comes out to 'Hail to the Chief'.
After a recent press briefing Prime minister Bliar answered claims that the American influence on him had gone too far by telling reporters angrily,
'I refute such outlandish claims. It's a cotton-picking lie y'all!'
As to the forthcoming US election and whether or not he had a preference for the eventual winner PM Bliar commented,
'It makes no difference to me. Whoever's in charge, I'll do what they want.'
